From: luthiekins	Date: 02/16/2007 21:06:52

*is sitting up in bed, surrounded by a mountain of pillows*

*has been passing the time by crying, moaning, hating herself and the world, and trying to makes sense out of everything (while failing miserably tearing sheets of paper into little, tiny bits* (*has amassed quite a pile - thinks she'll find a way to use them for Arts & Crafts at the MHC*)

*hears your footsteps outside her door and assumes it's a.) the help b.) her father or c.) Daeron*

*crossly* I said I didn't want to be disturbed!

	From: queenmelly	Date: 02/16/2007 21:10:32

*shakes her head and goes into your room anyway*

*comes over and sits at the foot of your bed* *looks you over*

*carefully* That's quite a little project you're working on there.

	From: luthiekins	Date: 02/16/2007 21:12:43

*repeats slowly* I said I didn't want to be disturbed.

*grabs another sheet of paper and sullenly begins tearing into it*

*studiously avoids looking anywhere but the paper, her mouth set in a thin line*

	From: queenmelly	Date: 02/16/2007 21:15:30

*shrugs* Too bad.

*sighs* Have you had anything to eat since yesterday morning?

	From: luthiekins	Date: 02/16/2007 21:17:07

*rip* I'm not *tear* hungry. *shred*

Is that all?

	From: queenmelly	Date: 02/16/2007 21:18:58

*regards you sadly* Lúthien, I know you're angry, but please don't do this to yourself. It's not healthy. Don't shut me out like your father.

	From: luthiekins	Date: 02/16/2007 21:24:09

*looks up at you*

*sharply* He knows you. Which means you know him. Why didn't you ever say anything? Did it just slip your mind too? Or were you so afraid of Dadd-- my father not loving you anymore that you just ignored it?

*narrows her eyes* Here's a clue. He doesn't love you anyway.

	From: queenmelly	Date: 02/16/2007 21:31:45

*has never in her many years had a desire to slap you until now*

*knows exactly what you're trying to do, though, and does her very best to ignore the hurt you're causing*

I never told you because I hoped you would remember yourself. I knew that if you were told by a person or a book you would be confused and upset and hurt. Very much as you are now. I didn't want to have to explain to you such a very big part of your life because I knew the pain of not remembering it would be very great. Also, it would have made your father mad. If I made a mistake, I am sorry.

	From: luthiekins	Date: 02/16/2007 21:34:38

*blinks* *that was not the reaction she was expecting*

*draws her knees up to her chest*

*brokenly* Did I love him? I told him that I don't but he says that I did but I don't remember.

	From: queenmelly	Date: 02/16/2007 21:37:22

Oh, darling.

*moves so she is sitting next to you and wraps her arms around you* You loved him very much and he loved you and I never saw you as happy as when you were with him.

I told him that I don't

You told him you don't love him?

	From: luthiekins	Date: 02/16/2007 21:42:58

*lays her head on your shoulder and feels tears begin to prickle at her eyes*

You told him you don't love him?

I did. Oh, Mom, I said such awful things to him. *with choked breath* I'm sure he doesn't love me anymore. Which is what I wanted.

	From: queenmelly	Date: 02/16/2007 21:45:55

*laughs softly* I think you would be hard pressed to find anything you could do or say that would make Beren Erchamion stop loving you.

*pets your hair* Why did you want that?

	From: luthiekins	Date: 02/16/2007 21:47:43

*numbly* Because it's not fair. He's out there all alone just waiting for me to remember or decide I want to be with him or something. Maybe I'll never remember or maybe I won't want to be with him.

	From: queenmelly	Date: 02/16/2007 21:50:01

*chuckles* Well, I doubt Beren sees it as unfair. He would wait for you forever, fair or no, and he would do it quite happily. He loves you. *her prejudice isn't showing through here at all, oh no*

	From: luthiekins	Date: 02/16/2007 21:55:26

*snaps* I mean it's not fair for me! Everyone decides everything for me, or at least they try. Dadd-- Thingol decides what I'm allowed to know or not know, where I'm allowed to go, and who I'm allowed to go with. You're always trying to decide how I feel about everything. Now he's trying to decide how I'm going to spend the rest of my life! It's too much pressure to know he's out there just waiting. He's not going to decide who I love for me!

	From: queenmelly	Date: 02/16/2007 21:58:40

*feels remarkably chastised*

Thingol

*and remarkably sad*

*gently* You shouldn't feel any pressure Lúthien. Forget about what Beren wants and concentrate on yourself. If you decide you never want to be with him it will kill me, that's fine. You're right -- it is your decision. But this anger isn't helping anyone.

	From: luthiekins	Date: 02/16/2007 22:00:29

But I like the anger. The anger doesn't hurt nearly as much and, believe me, I have enough of it to go around.

	From: queenmelly	Date: 02/16/2007 22:03:24

I have enough of it to go around

I don't doubt that. But anger only breeds more anger. And more anger breeds hate and bitterness. I don't want to see you bitter. You're meant to be full of life and happiness. This pain will pass, I promise, but you have to let it run it's course and not dwell so much on the bad parts.

	From: luthiekins	Date: 02/16/2007 22:06:27

*laughs* Are there any good parts to dwell on? I guess it's good that now I know I can't trust my father. It's better to know than to not know. That's good, right?

	From: queenmelly	Date: 02/16/2007 22:10:52

*sadly* That you think that is perhaps the worst part of it all. Lúthien, your father loves you more than you can possibly imagine. Everything he has ever done has been with the intent of protecting you. He may have been wrong -- he was wrong -- but that doesn't negate the purity of his purpose. You cannot fault him for wanting to keep you safe.

	From: luthiekins	Date: 02/16/2007 22:12:26

You cannot fault him for wanting to keep you safe.

*her voice cracking* Yes I can. Oh, yes I can.

*shakes her head* Can we please not talk about this anymore? I just don't have the energy.

	From: queenmelly	Date: 02/16/2007 22:14:14

*nods* That's fine. We can talk some other time if you feel like it. *sees the look on your face* Or not if you don't.

*squeezes your shoulder* Will you come down and take some supper?

	From: luthiekins	Date: 02/16/2007 22:15:17

*shakes her head* No... I can't go down there right now. *looks at you pleadingly* I just can't.

	From: queenmelly	Date: 02/16/2007 22:19:09

That's fine. *gives you a firm look* I'll send some food up, though, and I expect you to eat every bite of it.

*gets up to leave* Tomorrow you are going back to your life. You will resume your lessons, return to your activities, and resume taking meals at the appropriate time and place. *firmly* I will not let you sit in here and mope your life away.

	From: luthiekins	Date: 02/16/2007 22:19:46

But!

	From: queenmelly	Date: 02/16/2007 22:21:35

*softly* You don't have to speak to him Lúthien, and you can ignore him all you like, but you will not sit in here and waste away because of that.

Goodnight, love. I'll be in my rooms if you need anything at all. *kisses the top of your head*

	From: luthiekins	Date: 02/16/2007 22:23:42

Goodnight.

*waits for you to leave and resumes her sullen glare*

*takes a bite of food when it arrives and promptly gets sick*

...*throws the rest out her bedroom window*