My, oh my. All day long I slave away waiting for you to come home and you don't so much as call or write and now you stroll in here like you own the place and what's this you're living it up on the town with Eru-knows-who and are you not attracted to me anymore is that it I know I put on a couple of pounds but if you paid even the slightest bit of attention to me now and then don't look at me like that oh all right you win.
*plants a big, sloppy, open-mouthed kiss squarely on your lips*
And you're as ugly as ever. *hugs you* When the fucking fuck did you get here, man? And where is everybody? This place is like a tomb but without the fun corpses.
Awhile ago. *shrugs* Damned if I know. I try not to stick around, you know? Neither should you, if you know what's good for you. Thingol's on the warpath. Literally.
*suspiciously* What have you done this time, Túrin? And what's to eat around here? I'm starving.
*heads toward the palace kitchens* Does this have anything to do with where Beleg went? *stops walking* Shit. Have you seen Beleg? I don't think she remembers you and I hadn't thought of a way to tell her about you without her freaking out. I hate to ruin a good fuck, you know? And by the way, he's a she. I guess that part should've come before all the pronouns.
*snorts* I told him she'd never buy the chapter where he singlehandedly throws down Tol-in-Gaurhoth and turns it into the most profitable Cluckin' Chicken this side of the Ered Luin.
*slaps you on the ass* *cheerfully* If you're going to let that fine, fine body go to waste, I'm not waiting around forever. Damned shame though.
*uncomfortably* I don't think she's been waiting for you to get back, either. Not a week after I got here I saw her kissing that guy Thingol locked up? Beren? And lately it's been Daeron, she said. Or maybe that was a one-time thing, I don't know. It's worrying.
*eyeroll* How will I ever cope? And who says I'm letting it go to waste?
*roots around in the kitchen cupboards and finds a bag of pretzels* *stuffs a handful in his mouth* Bn's er oo? Mm ush ishn allaf n, eh?
*nearly chokes on his mouthful of food in a sudden burst of laughter* *swallows with effort* Daeron? Fuuuuck. How hammered was she? *still snickering* Tell me she was hammered.
*stares at you, disbelievingly* You just got here and you're already married? *helpfully* She's not amnesiac, is she?
*hoists himself up onto the counter* I guess? I don't really remember the details, thank Eru. Not a pretty thought, huh? Can we not talk about this anymore?
*throws a salt shaker at you* I'm not married, moron. Maybe your bad influence is just that far-reaching.
*ducks* You do sort of have that well-fucked glow about you, now that you mention it. But you seriously didn't have to marry her first? You may be a quick study in some ways, but you're kinda sorta a complete halfwit schmuck when it comes to women. Remember Nellas?
Oh yeah. Sure I know Finduilas. *winks* Everybody knows Finduilas, yeah? Well-fucked glow notwithstanding, I'm rather surprised you're not just in a perpetual state of orgasm.
*tilts his head to the side and looks as though he's trying to picture this*
*has no idea why he's talking about this with you of all people*
I don't know. She's sweet. And happy, happy's good. And she's uncomplicated—which is really good—and does most of the talking. Which is sort of a relief, really.
*reaches back with both hands to grasp your hips* *trying not to laugh and failing miserably* Oooh, baby. You know just how I like it. *grinds against you*
*manages to elbow you and break away while you're laughing hysterically*
*collecting himself* I have to go track down Melian and have my manhood crushed a little more. *pats your cheek* You think about what I said now, okay?
*suppresses a chuckle* You are the absurd analogies which make the queen ill.
*goes and sits behind her desk* Tell me, Mablung, what brings you all the way back to our little kingdom? We thought you had gone forever. The outcry was terrible to behold.
*follows you in* *takes a candy from the bowl on your desk and pops it into his mouth*
We thought you had gone forever.
*looking scandalized* Shocking talk, my lady. Shocking. Doriath is my home. Do people think I fancy myself too good for my home? I am the faithful servant which Doriath deigns to feed from time to time with old moldy bread so her fields get plowed. *matter-of-factly* Esgalduin's looking pretty rough these days. And Doriath sounds kind of whorish, now that I think about it.
Only you, Mablung, could make a great, powerful, ancient, and well respected city into a whore. Is it a special talent? We should hire it out so you won't have to tax yourself with the plowing any longer.
*thoughtfully* The river does look horrible these days, though.
*looks up from her work* *folds her hands business-like* Is there anything I can do for you? Thingol will be wanting to scream see you the second he returns, of course.
*smiles* It's a particular skill of mine, yes. I even have the letter jacket to prove it.
*sits on the edge of your desk* Oh, no, not specifically. I just thought I'd check in...say hello. But what's this I hear about the king being insane? And have you given any more thought to running away with me? Haaaa. Just kidding, of course. About the first question, I mean.
*pouts* I suppose. But if you ever get sick of world peace, I hear the broom closet's really beautiful this time of year. Warm.
*sighs* I should probably put myself back on the duty roster, eh? And Beren's back, too, I hear. Is he still in the slammer? Should I go for a visit and wait for him to drop the soap?
I'll keep that in mind, but I do like to have more room to maneuver.
...*cannot believe she just said that* *see how you bring out the worst in her!!*
*quickly!* Beren? Yes, he's back, but he's free, didn't you here? He miraculously escaped from the king's clutches. Can't imagine how that happened. Of course he's wanted, possibly with a price on his head that I could easily match or double. If you see him you should pretend as if you didn't because it was probably a figment of your imagination anyway and you know how Thingol loves hates having lunatics on his guard.
*laughs* Good to know, my lady. Good. To. Know. *is completely innocent, what?*
*lifts an eyebrow* *interestedly* Oh, so that's how it is, is it? I'll be sure not to see any such person then. Only I wonder if he has any help, you know, being on the lam and all. A fugitive leads a difficult life. So I've heard. It can take someone with a heavy hand to smooth over some of those scrapes.
*hides her blush behind some household expenditure forms*
*amusedly* Oh, I think he's quite capable on his own, Mablung, though it's good of you to care. He goes for a gentler touch, in any event. The nightingales do a fine job of keeping him company and watching over him. And Speckled Jim would let me know straight away if he was hurt!
*taps the side of his nose* Good on those attentive nightingales.
*takes another piece of candy* And how's the sweetest little nightingale of them all? Heard there was a bit of a bust-up between her and Daddy Dearest. I don't suppose that had anything to do with the aforementioned fugitive? When Elu cooks the books, they end up sort of burnt.
*chews her lip thoughtfully* They... had a falling out you might say. Lúthien found an unedited history book and her reaction was... as you would expect, actually. I'm sure everything will be back to normal in no time. Hopefully. Maybe. Once Elwë realizes he's done wrong and apologizes. *resists the urge to laugh*
Careful, Mablung, you're pushing your luck. *smiles* *somewhat patronizingly* You're a sweet boy, but orgies with my daughter are out of the question. Completely and permenantly. I know you just want to look out for her well-being, but, no.
*impassively* Of course. I will let you know if there's anything... anything at all... I could use you for. Thank you for always being so eager to please.
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